Found some of A's old posts on love, friendship, religion and being busy with things

 — in memory of A —

Found some of A's old posts on love, friendship, religion and being busy with things

A Life in the World of Andreas (spirous.blogspot.com)

Thursday, June 20th, 1996

One thing makes me wonder.... actually several things make me wonder, but now it's this thing. Friends can't understand how I love, my former girlfriend left me several years ago and since I still love her it's not possible to find somebody else. Then they try to help me by saying I have to go on, forget her and find somebody else. I try to tell them that feelings doesn't work like that for me, if I love somebody it's 100%. I can't help it, I just have to learn to live with that. Bad luck for me if the one I end up loving does not love me back.... It scares me when people talk about love as something that can be controlled or talked about as something rational. People try to tell me they have loved someone just as strong as I have, but when their love was not returned they stopped loving this person or started loving someone else. What kind of love is this? When I look someone in their eyes and say I love them forever and life will never be the same without them, I actually mean it.

We are different, it would be sad if everyone reacted the same. It just makes me a bit sad and irritated that they can't understand that my feelings may be a bit different from theirs. They keep telling me they have felt the same as me, and still they managed to find someone else to love after a short time. Sorry friends, that's not love as I know it, that doesn't even sound like real love...

Got that of my mind, can't imagine who would be interested in reading this though.... ;) Long time since I wrote here now, let's see if I remember everything that has happened.

In May Alice (Arkana on IRC) had a party, Semtex and Eivind was there too. Many believe computers and Internet is an anti social activity only for nerds. For some it maybe is, like TV also is for some, but my experience is different. The net have given me lot's of new and interesting friends. Many of them live to far away and I may never meet them in real life, but still I feel I know them very good. I even feel closer to some of them than many of my friends who I see regularly.
Argh, that reminds me! Alice and her daughter is leaving soon to go on a crazy vacation, travelling almost to the other side of the world! Me jealous? Nooooo........
The other day I finally got Jordana's snail mail address, now I can send her the postcards from Norway and some surprises. Also sent Norwegian postcards and a book about Hávamál (wise words from the Viking age) to Peter (Holland), Daniel (Germany) and Marilia (Brazil). If everything works all of us will come together in October!! I definitely want to save up some money and go to Brazil (maybe next year?). Marilia already sent some postcards to me and not long time ago I got a letter from Jordana. Would be fantastic to meet Jordana one day, we have been through some strange and hard times together on the net. Some day I may be allowed to write about it.

Two weeks ago 19 colleges and me went to Molde, a town in the middle of Norway. Great trip, lot's of partying in the hotel. When you get this far north it never gets real dark this time of year, further north it is daylight all summer and no light all winter. I've never been that far north myself, but I plan to take a long vacation some day and drive all over Norway.

On the web front things are still pretty busy. The page for Youth Against Drugs is taking form. Also was contacted by Michael Rosenblatt who wanted to set up a page in appreciation to Dr. Carl Sagan. Have made this page, now we are waiting for Dr. Sagan to reply to us.
On my personal page there has only been minor changes. Working on an icon with a tour of the site and a page to show what kind of work I've done for others. A Norwegian magazine called 'InterNett Guiden' mentioned my page as one of the five best pages in their June issue.

1st of July I'm of to take Oracle Database Administration 1 course in London, after that I hope to get a vacation. Probably have to buy a new tent, but I need to get a hiking trip in the mountains this year.

Last Saturday I was interviewed on Æ-TV, a local TV channel. It was about The Norwegian Heathen Society, what we do and why we feel it's important to have an active atheist organisation that dares to ask all the "forbidden" questions in this country where we have a state church. Thanks to Sman on IRC that made this possible. :)

The quotation of the day:

"Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin."
[Anatole France]

Monday, December 14th, 1998

Another 1 ½ years has gone by. How time flies when you are having fun.

Tinka passed away this year. She lived with my brother in Oslo the last months. She was really sick in the end, so the best thing was to put her to sleep. My grandmother also passed away, but that was not so bad, and not unexpected. She had been gone mentally for years, there was nothing left of her but an empty shell. It was tragic visiting her and she not recognicing anybody, often angry and scared, never knowing who or where she was. She had a tough childhood which leaded her into living her gownup life as a very religious person. I have very few memories of her and my grandfathers being Christian, but none of them are bad. Their belief gave them a meaning in life, even though the times and the pietism had its not so good side-effects. They were very nice people and I love the memory of them. What makes me angry are the images of their god presented by other Christians. My grandmother lived the best life she understood, believing in and giving everything to Jesus. If he had been for real, how could he allow her living her last years like that, knowing what she had been through? Where were he then? When she was alone at night scared, without any personality or memories left, not even able to receive help and support from those who loved her? If anything, her suffering made me strengthen my disbelief in this fairy-tale. My memories of her and others I have lost still lives strongly in me, they are important to me and that is all I want to be to others. Hopefully I will manage to be an example to others, keeping alive memories of what I believe is good and valuable. Working with kids gives some of that, I hope some will remember me as a honest and nice person who could be an example for them in some way.

I want to look back before I die and think I lived a good life. Being lucky enough to grow up in a good place and haven had a very rich life does not satisfy me. It is hard to challenge life and maybe give away some of the security, but I've done the first step by challenging the international mafia of religion. I've also shown pride in being myself and setting my own standards. I could have turned the blind eye to this cult, but I'm proud that I didn't. Not many understand me, that doesn't make it easier, but I've finally learned not to let the opinion of others direct my life. Hey, this is who I am, take it or leave it. I'm no genious, I'm not perfect and I defenitely do not know every answer. But I do have opinions and I am very aware of my own shortcomings. That makes me someone others can trust.

I have one side with my personality that is a blessing, and a threat. I never am really bored. I might be all alone for days, but still I don't even have time to sleep. That is great when you are alone, always one million things I want to do, even if only to be lazy. But it is a problem when it comes to relationships and friends. I'm not good enough at nurturing them.

This campaign to reveal Scientology for example takes a big chunk of my spare time, and having a rather demanding job, there isn't enough hours in a day. And then there are the atheist and secular humanist organisations I want to do some work for, friends to visit and write to, develope my personal homepage, drawing, travelling, reading, etc. Taken some days off lately just to relax and do such stuff, but ended up being pissed again at the cult and did some work on Operation Clambake (did I mention that I got a domain for it now?) and watch a lot of videos. My new laptop has a DVD player and I just had to test it out of course...

I managed to stay of the sigaretts for well over a year, but some weeks ago I started smoking sigars now and again. I have a problem when I don't smoke with the hunger never stopping. I get full, but I'm still hungry. That's not good when I easily gain weight. Having a sigar takes away the hunger in the evenings, so I've used that a lot the last days when I've been on vacation. Not proud of it, and I'll not try to make up any excuses for myself.

The love life is a little better. Not over my ex, and not found anybody new, but hopefully starting to see the light in the end of the tunnel. Have had periods when I've been very depressed, and that makes me crumble up in bed and just want to be alone for days. I suspect I'm lucky since I have a way of always fighting my way through it. I'm not the type who for example would give up or take my life. It's a thought everybody have had, and I'm not afraid to talk about it, but it's not me. I got my share of problems, but I'm also what could be concidered a very positive person. A positive realist one might say. Life has its ups and downs, acknowledging them both actually gives more perspective on life. And one learn to appreciate the good things when they come along. And they do, I just have to keep on going.

Very unsure how my partner in life would be like, at the moment I'm just keeping all possibilities open.

"I do understand what love is, and that is one of the reasons I can never again be a Christian. Love is not self denial. Love is not blood and suffering. Love is not murdering your son to appease your own vanity. Love is not hatred or wrath, consigning billions of people to eternal torture because they have offended your ego or disobeyed your rules. Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that iscontingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being."
[Dan Barker, "Losing Faith in Faith"]

Spirous:

Jeg er i midten av 50-årene. Død skjer rundt meg nå. Alle foreldre og besteforeldre har dødd. Min største "come to age"-opplevelse eller prosess var å innse at jeg aksepterte at jeg skulle dø. Fase to var å innse at min død antakelig ikke ville være en vakker opplevelse - verken for meg eller mine kjære.

Nå forbereder jeg mine kjære på at jeg verken trenger en gravsten eller oppstyr. Men jeg tror at alle egentlig ønsker seg litt uønsket oppstyr. Ja, jeg har fylt ut og spredt skjema "Mitt siste ønske" fra Human-Etisk Forbund. Jeg vil de skal svinge etter min tryllestav en siste gang.

Mange har hørt andre sier at deres graveferd skal ha åpen bar og masse latter. Vel, jeg skulle ønske jeg kunne bestille det. Men det er åpen bar her etterpå! Jeg håper dere alle skjemmer dere ut!

Jeg var introvert, jeg sleit skikkelig med å bygge opp personlige relasjoner. De fleste av mine venne driftet vekk. Jeg elsker det livet jeg har hatt, men det har vært mest fylt av ensomhet og lengsel.

Men det gjorde meg til den jeg var! Jeg vokste opp i gode kår og bla bla bla, men jeg ønsket aldri å være noen annen enn den jeg ble. Det er takk og lov for hva jeg gikk gjennom!

Det jeg prøver å si er at - uansett når jeg dør - har jeg levd et hinsides fantastisk liv. Jeg har sett steder og møtt mennesker de færreste kan tenke seg. Jeg døde mer enn fornøyd.

Jeg elsker Pengyu, han har gitt meg så mye selvtillit, støtte og kjærlighet. Hadde aldri forestilt meg at mitt lit\v ville ta den veien, men her endte jeg opp.

Jeg var aldri en god onkel, jeg innbiller meg jeg hadde vært en god far, men antakelig var det en løgn jeg fortalte meg selv. At jeg aldri ble en far har alltid likevel vært min tyngste bør å bære. Jeg har druknet meg selv i sorg så mange ganger at jeg har ikke tall. Jeg går ut i tårer når jeg ser en far med sin sønn/datter i butikken. Jeg har kanskje sett og gjort det meste, men jeg det jeg drømte om mest av alt var å oppdra noen. Å se et barn krype, gå, snakke, oppleve, utfordre, elske, skape nytt liv. Det fikk jeg aldri se, det var min absolutt største  lidelse. Hver dag.

Andreas Heldal-Lund

July 2021

en klump inni meg

Jeg føler du er inni meg, en klump, av sorg og glede,
du farer rundt i årene og leter etter redet.
Kan kjenne deg i føttene, det prikker og det kiler.
Det rykker brått i leggene når jeg i sengen hviler.

Om litt er du i knærne, støtten svikter og jeg faller.
Som en skadeskutt soldat ved fronten, ingen hører at han kaller.
Utpå dagen endrer klumpen ytre, til en sommerfugl av iskrystall.
Den flakser rundt i jakt på hvile inni magens kalde smertehall.

I mitt hjerte skraper den opp veggen; ved et uhell, må man tro.
Så til halsen for å svelle, gråtkvalt slår den seg til ro.
Hodet når den først på kvelden, stille lister den seg inn.
Uten å forvolde skade settes tankene i spinn.

Borti hjørnet står noen minner. Hva kan skjule seg bak dem?
Husker han dét virkelig ennå, trodde jeg han var så slem?
Sakte runder den et hjørne. Lar en tanke gå forbi.
Der er kisten med et hjerte, kan den åpnes og ses i?

Tør den ta det store spranget, hive krykkene og si:
-Jeg vil ha deg, min Andreas, jeg har kommet for å bli!
Men ingen kjærlighet i verden handler ene på fornuft.
Tar vi følelsene fra den får vi flammer uten luft.

Gi gjerne hjertet mitt all skylden, det tar sikkert på seg det.
Jeg har nemlig sett en sannhet som var skjult for meg i sted.
Den modnet bakom staheten og tiet ganske still.
Det å være hos min kjære er jo nettopp det jeg vil!

Så kom dagen jeg forsto det, men da var min kjære reist av sted.
Nå er alt jeg har den klumpen og den vil ikke gi meg fred.

- Andreas Heldal-Lund