2017

Do you remember a specific year that made the most impression out of all? I never really thought about the topic until lately. I sat down to it, and started to browse through my Google photos. What else would you do?! 

It is probably 2011 or 2017. 2011 was the year I decided to make a change to my life, and for the first time in my life I started to seriously consider moving to another country for my own sake. Norway came into my sight for some reason. My fellow friends and colleagues now asked about it sometimes, and I blame it to DNV, which I worked with back in my early career days as a structure engineer. The truth is that I do not really remember. Probably for the few video clips I saw somewhere, showing how nice the country is, both in terms of landscape and culture. It was truly an innocent and lucky choice. I was somehow very determined at the time. There was never even a backup for the plan. 

The only thing I was certain of was that I needed to make a change. I did not fancy the career prospect as a structure engineer or later a project manager, nor did I love the societal norms for someone that was on the edge of acknowledging his own identity. Luckily I was relatively good at English and my grades were okay, which University of Stavanger (UiS) agreed. 

2011 was the last year I spent in Yantai, the city where I got my bachelor degree and started my career. It may be strange for you, but I lived in a student-dorm like building, with almost all the colleagues that were not married yet. It was a rather close environment, and far from city center. Many good memories and good friends made. We were having parties almost every day after work. I did not stop joining them, while I was struggling finding time preparing for IELTS test, as part of the application requirements for the Norwegian universities. Anyway, I passed the exam with a bit of luck eventually. 

But to think twice, I would say 2017 would probably win over 2011. Some of my most precious memories happened in 2017. 

It started with Andreas visiting my hometown in China during the Chinese new year. It was the only time Andreas visited China and met my family, and many weird strangers staring at him on streets. You have to understand, a small town like that had not seen so many Caucasians even in 2017. It was a very fun and eye-opening trip, as Andreas told me. The Chinese crackers (Kinaputter), poor English translations on all sorts of sign plates, the terrible hotel from late 90s style and condition, the food, and me with him in my born place. I did bring him to places where I used to visit as a child. Most of them totally changed, but some remained the same. It was such a nice feeling that he got to experience them with me. 

iO Data AS was born in march 2017. I remembered clearly the first time we visited the old office on Strandgata 7 i Sandnes, the view, and all the discussions on how the office layout should be and all the possibilities lying ahead. It was an uncertain period. He was obviously concerned, but at the same time curious what may happen. I had no doubt in the mildest that he and the team will make it. I was so proud and happy that he got others on his back. 

We did our trans-European road trip together, with Tesla S (Tussi), in the Easter period 2017. Andreas loved driving and I loved to be a passenger of him. We did not plan much before hand. The destination was either north France or Germany. He planed to visit Hetty and Alex in Belgium and Daniel II in Frankfurt. That was the first time I met them. Andreas was lucky to have great friends like them, and so did I. We did not book any hotels upfront, but the stops were all nice and cozy. I remembered the tulip farm we drove by - one of the most beautiful things I have seen, the interesting mordern art museum in Luxemburg, the upside down houses somewhere i Germany,  the huge portion food we got in a local German restaurant. It was a well needed break and fantastic experience at that challenging period.

And Thea's confirmation party was at late April that year. Everyone was asked to wear a hat to the party. She loved hats of all sorts, and we had to impress her somehow. Luckily Andreas had a decent collection of hats for some reason. And so many weird hats in the party with everyone wearing formal clothes, and many pokemon figures everywhere. What a party.

17 mai. Andreas made his favorite cream cake. He called it bløtekake, while I did not agree on the name based on my limited Bokmål training. It was a ridiculous and non-sense debate on what that the cake should be called. Who said that debate has to be on serious topics only. We went to the old HEF office, met a few friends there and served the cake to all strangers walking by, including some curious foreign tourists arriving with a cruise. Fun time.

Caddy went into our live. I bought the car and started to practice driving. It was not a easy task, even though this man got his Chinese driving license back in 2011. I never touched a car ever since and Caddy got the honor to step in as my driving buddy. I still drive the car almost everyday and she served me well and supported all the long and short trips I made. She never let me down once.

In the summer time, UiS colleagues and I went on the annual ship trip with Anna av Sand. It was a tradition of the faculty. We were served with shrimp (reker) and congac on the boat, and with all the singing and dancing. It was extremly "koselig" and intimate, with about 20 people on board. 

Andreas went to Bordeaux for a conference on cultic studies. I did not come along with him. I believe that he enjoyed the trip very much in a town famous for wine-making. He went to a field trip to local vineyard as well, as I was told. Lucky him. 

Nina got the news from J that she would become grandma in the new year. Nina and Karo made it quite mystious before she broke the news to us. A was as happy as Nina. The family was getting bigger and everyone was doing great in their lives. What a nice picture I took of them, as well. We went to the Kongeparke while they were here in Stavanger. Nina basically tok a hiking trip with us, by not joining the games for the fear of them, lol. Karo, A and I were having fun taking big and small challenges, and some icecreams for the treat. For the first time, we won something playing the spinning game, a huge box of kvikklunsj. Unbelievable. 

It is still only July. I got a chance to visit Brisbane Australia, to present a paper in the conference there. I had never dreamed or planned a trip to Australia, as it is so far away. Lucky me that got the chance during my PhD period. Brisbane was lovely in the winter time. I managed to forget all the deadly animals people kept reminding me of. The city was full of colors and everything was so lively. And of course, I visited the modern art museum and got my dose of inspiration from all the weird things going on there. Even found a fishing line knot technique handbook in the museum shop. 

Went boat trip with Ingve in Sepetember. Andreas often felt a sort of failure of him to maintain friendship with friends. It was great that he got to do such things with Ingve. It was a great trip with grilling and fishing. What a fancy boat as well with all the rador and sonar systems installed for spotting poor fishes in the deep water. 

In October Andreas went back to Svalbard, to help with a kickstarter project, called mini-museum. He sponsered every single version of the project since the begninning on kickstarter. He even got invited to USA for a meseum trip once, as the creater was based there. The new project Andreas was asked to help with, was to collect water in the North Icelandic Ocean. What a better place to do that  than Svalbard. It was quite wild. All the water are connected, aren't they? But it was a cool idea. Andreas was super pumped on the idea and the fact that he got to help with the project. There was a hiccup in the end of the trip. He overslept (I wonder what caused it) on the day he had to travel to the airport. I failed to reach him with everything I can possibly use. In the end, I called a taxi and the driver was nice enough to wake up him and took him to the airport. I did not know if I should be happy with my creativity or should I be angry or frustrated at him. Ting ordnet seg til slutt. 

Nina back to the picture again. She got Luna the Musical (the cat) in November. It was great for her after she lost her favorite dog (Snicker). Luna is a very sweet forest cat, and a good company. And who gave the name to her? I wonder.

We did a short road trip to Aalborg Danmark in November, before the Humanist Week. Aalborg was ok and nothing super exciting. But I did try the Irish coffee for the first time, after I won the billjard game against Andreas. Did not like the coffee though.

And it was Christmas, and we celebrated that year at Christian's place. Andreas drove me and all the gifts all the way from Stavanger. The trip was filled with Andreas' julesong collections and it was very festive and bubbly. I love and miss it so very much. Everyone got gifts, of course. Even Luna got gifts and I hope she was impressed with the selection. It was a lovely Christmas celebration and follow-up gettogether with all family members days after. We took one of the very few whole family portraits that time. In the spare time, Andreas and I just wandered around the empty Oslo city, and he explained which area/building is for what. I took a picture of him taking picture of the stock market building, in a sunny brisk morning. The shadows were falling down beautifully, with bird chirping. I was back to Oslo earlier this year (2024), to start this year's easter trip to Goteborg with Nina and Karo. I passed the same building on my way to the new national mesuem, and got reminded exactly the moment that picture was taken, when Andreas was standing right there. The lights and shadows were similar, but he was not there anymore. He is only found in my heart now. Hope he is warm and happy there. 

Love

Daniel

Nasjonalmuseet Oslo

First time been to the National museum in Oslo after it opened in 2022. A short 1 hour visit, while I was waiting for Nina and Karo. Cool arts of all sorts and definitely recommend it. It costed over 6 billion NOK taxer payers money to build. So go check it out next time you are in Oslo.

Nina Simone - Stars

Like Bojack Horseman very much and came across this beautiful song at the end of season 3
 

The runny, the spicy and the jelly

Things seem to be going ok these days. Work is busy, but not much travel needed any more, which is good at the moment. And I started a new routine ever since I came back from the China trip in February, partially due to the time zone difference. I started to get up at 5:30 and be in the office at around 7:00. It has worked out pretty well so far and it really give a new energy to go through each day. I hope I get to continue this routine. Together with the change, I started the rowing session everyday after work. I have to say it is not quite possible to keep that going everyday, but the daily alarms give me some good positive vibes anyway. But seriously, I am getting better to get myself some training everyday, with some tennis, some ski, some hiking, and mostly long walks if that counts. Silly should get some credits as well and she never complains if I feels lazy all day or suddenly decide to bring her to Dalesnuten. She is the best.

It is enough about my new routine. This blog aims to start a series of blogs to say farewell to Andreas, with a set of topics. I select those topics to refresh the different memories about and facets of Andreas, as a humanbeing, as a curious person, as someone who simply loves life passionately, as a fighter, and as an annoying "collecter". 

Today's topic is food. I made some grønnsakesuppe (vegetable soup) another day and had it for 3 consecutive days, as we used to do in the past whenever Andreas cooked it. Not quite my style, as I like to have a different taste on my palate every day. But some exceptions can been made for the vegetable soup, and Bolognese sauce. Ah, Andrea's Bolognese sauce may be my favorite food of all, for its taste and for its versatility. Andreas usually made it in bulk. We would usually start the dish with some freshly cooked al dente spaghetti, and the sauce later found its way to lasagna and pizza and even toasted bread. Another reason I love it so much, is that it has so many fresh and in season ingrediencies and the thinking of its health benefits give me great comfort. Yes, I am a bit critical on what man should be eating. Andreas often complimented me that I helped him eat better, and that may be true I have to say. And I also knew he sometime would enjoy a gas station hot dog more than a greenly stir fry. It was never a serious topic or debate for us though but I hope I did not put too much pressure on him for that. He never complained. And he seemed happy with whatever was offered. 

Andreas and I both loved cooking at home. He could spend hours cooking for me or for friends. It was almost like meditation. It at some point went quite extreme that we could not even come up with a local restaurant to recommend to our visiting friends, who were willing to try some local cuisine. It was quite embarrassing. No big deal though. Nevertheless, it was hard to keep up the innovation pace in terms of cooking at home, and ideas of our own ran out pretty fast. We started a weekday plan to help us find ideas. Monday will be soup day, Tuesday seafood, Wednesday no shopping day, Thursday Andreas's the boss. Friday to Sunday were never put into the plan for some reason I cannot recall. Andreas was good at finding interesting recipes for his cooking duty, while I was more of freestyle person that enjoyed improvisation in the kitchen. In fact, I took it as a challenge and enjoyed using whatever was found in the fridge and made something out of it. Andreas was good at giving me compliment and I gradually became better at it and enjoyed more from the process. And I had a trick: everything instantly got better for Andreas as long as I put some extra chili and pepper in the dish. 

Andreas was not picky in general, but there were things that he would never try himself, especially food with jelly-like texture. I have to admit that I have a bad habit and there is a stubborn side of me. I simply, arrogantly, believe that good (for me) is good (for him and everyone). I would try different ways to hide weird ingrediencies into a dish, with some cutting and processing. Andreas was often surprised to have enjoyed the dish, without knowing what was in it until I told him. Naughty me, but I did like challenge him in that way. Some fun in life, and it did not hurt anyone. 

Weekend breakfast used to be something special. It has to be served in bed, like a royal married woman would like. I never really fancied the idea eating food in bed, but it was a nice tradition of ours. Who said that cliché stuff, it was not about what you do, but who you do it with. So true. It also may took too long time before food was served. We either tried too hard to impress each other, or simply wanted to make something really nice. Again, Andreas was often on the creative side and often went quite far in terms of ingrediencies as well as cooking method. When he cooked, I would be responsible for the meal time entertainment content. Then he spent an hour cooking the meal, and we finished it in 5 minutes, while the film had barely started.

What else I want to say here. Some other dishes we cooked quite often, as a reminder for my own sake: pot sticker dumplings, Thai red curry with salmon, tomato soup with cook egg and basil, creamy cauliflower soup with fried green onion finish, teriyaki tofu with long beans, fish balls with white sauce,  moussaka, risotto with parmesan and tomato, spaghetti with green pesto and toasted pine tree nut, Mexican chillies, creamy fish soup, pokibowl with teriyaki salmon/tofu and homemade onion pickels, hot pot, coma curry, buttery chicken, fårikål, jordskokkssuppe with scallop, paella, enchiladas, fiskgrateng, Beyond burge with homemade fries, phad thai, fish cakes, curry chicken soup with coconut milk and shredded root vegetables, and so on. 

Yeah. not a bad start, I think. See you later, alligator. 

Life is a dream, then you die

Human beings are complicated. I was crying walking my dog in a gloomy evening yesterday, and suddenly started to smile to strangers who were smiling at the dog. I know that A always hoped that I can move on and find someone to take care of me for him. I always tell people that I am a pragmatic person but that does not mean that I am not sensitive. This is not something I can or want to get over with. I can't describe how sensitive I have become in the past months. Nevertheless, I do feel that I can be quite blunt to emotions and to jokes at times. I often took things too seriously and looked for the "true nature" of things, maybe due to the academic training of mine. It often takes more time and a bit of aloneness for me to realize that things are not the same any more. I do not know it is good or bad, but I think it carried me through the toughest period somehow.

The days and nights with A were full of genuine joys, despite some few challenges and frustrations we both had. I genuinely thought I was the luckiest person on earth to have him by my side. Even so in the toughest periods when A was still barely conscious. In fact, I never had any ideas how relationships should work and I was definitely terrible at communications. I felt so extremely lucky that things just went well and smooth with A. 

During the journey I learned how to talk to an adult with respect, with care and with love. I guess there is no formula for how love and relationship should be. Accept who we are and accept who your love is, and just be honest about your feelings. The key is honesty, at least to me. I rarely give my 100% trust to anyone. From very early on, I learnt myself not to set expectations on anyone, even the closest. Too many memories, and it took a lot of things to form a man as he is now. I think I have a bit Mental mysophobia. I am a bit skeptical of human nature in general for the weakness we all have. I should have thought through this and not to be judgmental deep inside. But it is just me. And sadly I never dared to tell those friends who lost my trust in the end. True trust is about giving the greatest ever compliment to anyone for one's moral code, judgements, thoughts and behaviors. My true trust has never been given to anyone, other than my mom. But A got it almost immediately after we met in that little farm house by Gimravegen. And I felt so extremely lucky that he earned it so easily. Things suddenly became themselves and we became ourselves in full. The world seemed to have changed to me and everything started to look more glittering.

A might not agree, but I do consider myself quite hard to be likable. I am not good at telling others how I feel, nor am I good at visiting my friends or having deep conversations. I tend to swallow anything good or bad myself. A lack of sharing attitude is not good to make deep bounds with people. It must be difficult for others to know where I am, how I function, which state I am in, and what I am struggling with.  I realized it, but it is hard to change myself. I keep getting reminded one thing A told me once or twice, that I do not cry with him or at anything. That he avoided crying with me for that reason. It hurt me deeply to hear that. I could not manipulate my emotions or just try to get on the same page with A all the time. I do appreciate the sensitive side of him. The subtle small things that make him A. Whenever he showed his vulnerability, got my heart only closer to him. 

It was true. The few times I remembered that I cried were very clear. Despite the meaningless cries I had at a very young age, the first time was when I was sitting together beside with my grandma after her funeral. I was old enough to realize the meaning of it. I was totally alone with her, as I was trying really hard to grab the memories and things that truly meant something to me. Something to remind me of her, her comb, eventually. The second time was after the awakening separation from a short period "relationship" for the first time with a man in the 2014 summer of Beijing. It was not even a real relationship, but rather a brief encounter that lasted longer than it should. We were almost together everyday in that 3 month period. It was not crazy in any means. But it somehow gave me a lot of comfort and security. It normalized my life somehow, if that is the right description for it. The cries the man gave me when I had to leave for Norway was out of nowhere. He told me that he was going to marry a woman that year and start a family. That was the moment I realized what was really important to me. I cried so hard on the plane back to Norway, while watching a very stupid romantic film. It was a rather strange but warm feeling. The third time was in the ICU, when A got his first seizure in March 2022. As strong as A was, it was hard to acknowledge that the seizure could have actually knocked him out like that, and even harder to see that he could barely move or raise up for a cup of water. He kept saying that he had to go back to the office, and the work would pile up or not be done as he wanted. It was heart broken. And the situation has only gone steadily worse for him from there. And I lost count on how emotional I have become. 

I have built myself into a pragmatic and optimistic person. There was never a moment that I felt totally desperate, despite that A has become weaker and weaker. I always managed to find something to cheer myself up and cultivated a team spirit together with A, which helped a lot for both of us. I guess I was blowing bubbles that was so beautiful not to believe in. I knew that nobody could possibly help us, but we had each other and that simply meant everything to me and hopefully the same to him. I did not lose hope. My side-track researches on possible cures gave me some faith and hope. I knew they should not make a big difference, but what else could we do. 

A was a very organized person. He has played the whole thing out in his mind and on paper, especially how his projects shall be followed up, how his loved ones would be taken care of, and how the funeral programs should be. He was convinced that it was good to know his expiration date. I knew he meant it, and it was the pain and life quality near the end that worried him a bit. He was right. The illness did not unfold beautifully. After a few seizure accidents, A got totally paralyzed and the confusion and head pressure had changed him into someone I could barely recognize. Change of medicines helped with his emotion controls. Despite the unpractical disability, he was still A whenever he managed to wake himself up and became just as charming and lovely as he always has been. The smiles he put on his face and the kisses meant so much to me. I felt that nothing could ever break me when I was with him. I sincerely hoped that I played a similar role for him.

There was not much a need to comfort him most of the time. He has thought everything through. But no man is built out of steel. As emotional as A was, he struggled immensely when he became vulnerable for the unrealized future that he planned, especially a kid that was never been born to call him dad. It was extremely hard to calm someone that has all the arguments on his side. There was not even a need to say the comforting words anyone can think of. All I could do was to live the life as normally it shall be and to treat him just as him. In the end, it was the words he wrote himself that calmed him down always. "Vit at jeg anså meg selv som verdens heldigste, jeg opplevde mer enn jeg kunne drømme om." I agreed with him. I sometimes imagined how it would be if I were in his situation, and I would not say that I would be satisfied with my life, and I would have so many regrets. 

I joked with him for his retirement plan, his thousands of DVDs, endless pictures he took, tons of cartoons, boxes of gadgets, etc. He was so afraid to be alone and had tried many things to fill the time and the time yet to come. After almost 9 years together, there are still new things he owned that I had never seen or played with. It became overwhelming for a minimalistic me. Thinking about the years we had together, there was never a rush for me to learn everything about him, all his friends, xenu.net, and HEF. The man with little mystery but full of mysteries. I thought I had all the time, all the summers to kill. We all took it wrong. It was not until a few days ago when I started to sort his things and pictures and songs, did I realize the missing opportunities to explore the world together, and learn the man just a bit more deeper. It was so painful to accept that I will never have the chance to discuss anything with him, to plan a party, to go to boardgame evenings, and to be amazed by him again and again. I miss him, so deeply. I can feel my heart is coming out and some pieces are taken away.

It had been a great trip, as I tried to tell me every time I am reminded of A. I should not be too greedy. I was extremely lucky to know a man like A, what's more, fell deeply in love with him. I always had a terrible perception on myself for not worthy of any things good, something I convicted myself to believe deeply inside. I felt pity for myself truly, a poor guy that was rarely cherished or appreciated.

It was A that convinced me that I did deserve someone truly nice, someone that loved me unconditionally. I don't know what I have done to deserve this. Love is a dream, and even the nicest dream could come true. I felt so previlidged and so proud and that made me wanting to share it with everyone. Sadly, I never got to share my love story with my mom. It was not a easy decision but it will complicate her life so much. That would not be fair for her. I naively thought that one day that this issue will resolve itself somehow, and my love story will be shared with her with joy. I felt so regretful that I did not manage to tell her. And it hurt me utterly, especially when I refused A's proposal for this reason. "My mom had to know it", as the voice in my head told me always. Why would I not do anything about it?! A had a marriage license and married over 90 couples, if I did not take it wrong. It was A's biggest dream. The one thing he wanted the most, was failed by my procrastination and lack of planning. A never complained. I think I will never forgive me for that. It does not matter anymore, and this hurts me even more.

Life is a bitch. No one can have a perfect plan and an excellent execution. It is what it is, and then we all die.

Before I Say Goodbye to This World

Inspired by Andreas's bucket list, I started to draft my own bucket list yesterday. I actually started a list a few years ago, but I did not manage to get it done, or done well. I am not the type of person that knows exactly what I want for myself, or for the society, a greater mission as I call it sometimes. I often find it easier to identify others' needs other than my own. A friend and I had a talk another day, and we both felt that we are the type that tends to prioritize others' needs more than our own. And it even feels wrong should I get something really nice for myself, or please myself for no reasons. So, it feels good that I finally take some days to reflect and think this through, about what are important to me as a person in this strange world.

So here is my list: 

https://tenkebenk.blogspot.com/p/before-i-die.html

About Love

"Love is time,  space and infatuation lost between two people. 

Its when I  notice it is lost that I know i love you....  "

― A, 16.11.2022

“Life's great happiness is to be convinced we are loved.”

― Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

And the following poem. Andreas found it from the internet and read it to me. It felt that this summarized our story quite precisely:

"When I First Met You - A Love Poem For Him

When I first met you,

I felt like I had known you forever,

telling you my secrets

and what I didn't want ever.

You listened to me.

I bet you thought I'd never end.

Who would have thought

we would become more than just friends?

Over a period of time

I got to know the real you.

A boy, so caring and gentle,

with a heart so true.

You've survived your life

with hurt and loneliness by your side.

I told you I'd never leave

because of the feelings I have inside.

I know you

like no one I have ever known,

and sometimes I wonder

what I'd do if you were gone?

So I have decided

time answers all.

If it is meant to be,

time will remove the wall.

I love the way we are together.

You can always make me smile.

Will it ever really be forever?

I guess I will have to wait a while.

Time will reveal what lies ahead,

but always remember

what I have said.

Meeting you has changed my life,

and I really love you so.

The feelings I feel for you,

I am never letting go.

Remember me always

and I will, too.

I always think of

me and you."

― Katie