- in memory of A
It is 02 January 2025, one year after A passed away. I did not plan to write anything intially. It's been a hectic day, mostly with the cabin stuff. I went to the cabin yesterday and stayed overnight for the first time since the extension project was finished in October. Everything (old and new) worked, except the cold weather. It was not cozy and I had to pack up everything again after one night. Silly never complained and she just followed along.
This day is special, but somehow I lost a bit of my enery to live it like it is special. I occupied myself with shopping trips in Ikea and Jysk for the cabin, listening to comedy podcast episodes that I have listend to for at least two times, or staring at my telephone screens reading boring news. I somehow did not want to keep my brain clear or idle. The snow today actually managed to slow down many things. On my way home, I passed the Byhagen nursing home A lived in his last months. The snow and traffic stopped me right beside it. It is probably a place I could never manage to go inside again. There are just too many memories and feelings about the place, the corner room on the third floor facing the small park in Sandnes center. Something Karo said often re-surfaces in my head, that she did not dare to visit A in the last months and weeks of his life because she would like to have the image of A being healthy and happy. I have to admit that I did not understand that quite well when she said it for the first time. But I understood her everntually. Nevertheless, I am not regretting in a million years for seeing how life can become so vulnerable and indecent. It is extremely tough when those moments flashed back in my head, reseeing all the struggles and challenges A had. I would like to delete some of the memories at times when things are getting to hard to swallow. But no, I would never do that. It is part of our relationship, and I want to keep the whole story.
Some friends and family ask me sometimes how I am doing and that they also miss A so much so often. I appreciate it when they do so. It showed how much they love and care about him and me. I often tell them that I am a pragmatic and positive person, and I will be doing fine. That is probably true. But damn, I have become so sentimental and emotional. Everywhere I go I see A and everything I do will I share it with him. I'd like think what A would do in situations that matter. I feel that A has implanted himself in my brain and took roots there. I am happy it is like that. This is one of the things that manages to calm myself down, that he is becoming part of me. I feel that he is still around. I have been sending pictures and words to his messenager and Signal all the time, "hoping" that he could see them somehow. I tell stories to A's picture that J printed for his funeral, which hangs right beside my bed. In this years xmas at Kongsvinger at J's place, I was playing a drawing pad N gave to J's kids. I was writing words to A, tons of them. The superstitious side of me came out, as I addressed A's full name and social security number so that they know that the words were for him. All of these do not make sense, but it calms me down and gives me strength.
I-A shared a poem with me before this year's xmas. Love yourself. And love the ones that you love and tell them "jeg er glad i deg". But love is not just happy all together. Love is also pain, and struggles. It is probably more of pain and struggles. When everything goes well, it is hard to tell it is the occasion or the person. But when things are not as they should: we argue: we are mad at each other; we are frustrated; we are divided by disagreements, distance, or death. It is love that brings us back together. Now, A and I are together and it will be like that for a rather long time, maybe my whole life. I will always remember us, a normal couple that experienced all these in that nine fantastic years. Love.
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